God sent people to attend to me today. I ran into a mom at Sofia's "school" this morning. She didn't know. I avoided eye contact. Maybe she wouldn't see me. "How is the baby?" she asked knowing I obviously wasn't pregnant anymore, but knowing I didn't have her with me. I froze. I met her eyes with mine and shook my head, the tears welling in my eyes. Her eyes flooded with tears and she touched my shoulder. I touched her perfect pregnant belly (without asking - the first time in my LIFE I ever would have considered doing such a thing!) I told her the story, the short version. Through her tears she said, "Can I pray with you?" I nodded and she did.
Then I just dropped off the face of the planet. I ignored texts, calls, messages...everything. I just needed time to breathe, to think...and to buy a dress for Sweet Violet Day. I drove to the store - my store (Anthropologie) - and quickly explained to the sales ladies that I needed a dress and that I would probably cry because the dress was to wear to the celebration of my sweet Violet's very short life. They cried with me and they cared for me. God sent me people today.
During my time shopping my phone buzzed, dinged, rattled, shook like it never had before. I ignored it completely. When I got back to the car and checked it I had a zillion voicemails and texts (including photos) of people who were worried about and praying for me. God sent me people today.
I opened a Bible for the first time since before Violet died this afternoon. I started in Psalms 3 and sobbed through it. The I got to Psalms 4:4. I know God has been sending me songs and today He sent me this verse: "Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent." God gives us permission to BE ANGRY! It's ok.
I raised my hands to heaven and pleaded, "God, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to have a baby. There's supposed to be a baby. I WANT HER BACK!" I was so angry, yelling at God...keening at God...until my cries pleaded, "Don't let go, God. Dont.Let.Me.Go."
And God sent me songs - "And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out my soul cries out - Everlasting..." And I dissolved into praise from my heart - praise from my lips, pieces of songs across scratchy vocal chords dissolving the anger. God sent Himself to me today, holding me so tightly - You Never Let Go.