Sofia came and sat with me this morning and told me that her cousins told her she shouldn't be sad about Violet. My heart ached that children are telling my 5-year old the same thing adults tell us. I asked her how that made her feel. She answered, "bad." We talked about how it's ok to feel sad and to miss Violet.
The past few days have been excruciating. I don't know why. I don't suppose I have to know why. I have no smile. No laughter. No thoughts other than hurt and grief. I was listening to a song on the radio about how Jesus is there in the pain and such. And I know that, I do. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, it messes with my mind in such an annoying way. Like if I cry and if I hurt and if I let this dark sadness in it's like I'm not trusting Jesus. I know that's a lie. That Jesus is ok with my pain. I don't know. It's all so confusing.
Sofia told me about a dream she had about Violet. Violet was 2 years old and she was crying because she was a baby. I love that she has happy dreams about her sister.
I had a dream about Violet when I pregnant with her - maybe 2 months before she was born. She was such a wiggly little thing in utero, so much so that we were sure she was going to be a boy. One night I dreamed that she wiggled right through the skin and into my arms. I thought she was still in my belly until I asked someone else in the room if she could see her and they said yes. I was holding my sweet baby in my arms. The dream seemed funny at the time, an indication of how fiercely she wiggled, but I cling to that memory now. The time I got to hold my baby in my arms even if only in a dream.