It's still all so surreal. I still wake up most mornings having forgotten that anything happened. I still get up like I'm pregnant - rolling to one side, sitting up slowly waiting for the baby to settle, putting a hand on my belly and then it all comes flooding back. There is no baby. There is no due date.
I keep hoping that Sweet Violet Day will bring some sort of closure, maybe? I don't know. I DO know that I am desperate for the day to be done.
The stress has caused all sorts of back problems for me. I went to the chiropractor this morning because I couldn't turn my head. (She's filling in for my regular chiro and consequently doesn't know any of my story). She told me that my muscles and ligaments were lose and not holding an adjustment well. I commented on how that was likely since loose ligaments are part of pregnancy. She looked puzzled and asked if I was expecting. I said no, that I had been pregnant. I could tell she was struggling to understand, but I just couldn't go into any detail.
Family is coming in from all over the country for Sweet Violet Day. It's overwhelming. I feel like I need to be social and entertaining, but I just want to crawl into a hole. I feel like I disappointed everyone. So many people were looking forward to having this little baby in our lives and now she's just a memory that often requires photograph prompting.
Sofia came into my bedroom last night and asked if I was strong enough to do snuggles. We used to have a bedtime routine of funny little snuggles we made up together like steamrollers and octopus. But I couldn't do them while I was pregnant. Sofia has been so looking forward to me being able to do them again with her. I laughed when she asked and said, "Yes, baby...I'm strong enough." She was so much bigger than the last time we'd done snuggles. When I commented on it, she laughed and said, "I was 4 last time we did snuggles. Now I'm 5." Unbelievable.
Scattered.Will I ever stop feeling so fragmented?